Before we can ever get to a place of acceptance it’s important you understand what is actually happening in your brain and body as a result of the ending. Breakups are rupturing of emotional attachments. Attachments get a bad rep in the personal development world, but the fact still remains, when you’re in a relationship with someone you’re emotionally bonded to them. Period. For the purpose and context of this program, please note, when we say emotional attachments it means emotional bond. When we experience the unwanted loss of a relationship the emotional bond between you two is severed. This is incredibly painful both emotionally and physically (aka the ache in heartache is a real thing).

1. You’re Going Through LOVE WITHDRAWAL.

What if there is a good reason why you can’t stop thinking about your ex? Brain research by Helen Fisher and Dr. Lucy Brown has repeatedly shown that the same parts of the brain that are activated in a cocaine withdrawal are activated in the brains of those going through recent breakups. So there is a good reason why you can’t stop thinking and obsessing about your ex. Does this mean we think you should act on those impulses? No. But part of re-regulating them and sitting with the discomfort of love withdrawal is understanding it's a real and legitimate experience to be having.

2. You’re Losing Your Mind (kind of).

Your impulse control is compromised (to a degree) which can leave you feeling as though you’ve lost your mind, driving you to try and assume some sense of control. Completely normal.

Why do breakups make us act like crazy people? Well, that's because what’s going on in your brain chemistry is the equivalent of a drug withdrawal. And what do people do when they’re strung out and looking for their next hit? Absolutely anything. They're in complete survival mode.

Desperation causes us to do a lot of crazy shit in attempt to get back who we believe is the source of our feel good alignment. In addition, the same part of our brain that regulates our unconscious autonomic nervous system functions (breathing, digestion, heartbeat), and the pleasure/reward stimulus responsible for us falling in love, remains emotionally bonded to your ex after the breakup. The mind of your unconscious has not caught up to the conscious reality of the situation. The automatic functioning compels you to keep reaching out in attempt to try and get more of what you need from the source you’ve been getting it from, which in the case of a breakup, is your former partner.

This also explains the compulsion to move towards immediate gratification substances, foods and behaviours. Because it’s the same area of the brain that controls pleasure and reward, it will unconsciously direct you towards anything that gives you short-term reward/pleasure, which is your brain's desire for continual hits of dopamine.

3. Your Physical Pain is Real.

The physical pain you’re feeling is legit, for the reason that the part of the brain that processes anticipation of pain becomes active during a breakup. Meaning the heart “ache” you’re feeling is actually being processed through the brain/body as physical pain. This pain is amplified anytime you see your ex, whether that's seeing a picture or seeing them in-person — which is why it's so important to limit contact/not go on a Sherlock Holmes investigative mission post-breakup because it literally creates and amplifies physical pain in your body.

4. There’s A Reason for Your Initial Obsession.

The overactivity of the part of the brain that processes losses and gains contributes to the need to know WHY. We ask WHY so we can understand what went wrong to better assess/act/choose in the future. Because this part of the brain predicts the future based on the past, it needs to understand fully to “prevent” hurt in the future. But without mindfulness, this can spin out of control into obsessive quests for answers that never quite satisfy us.

5. Stress Levels Are Activated.

Stress levels rise, which can amplify your anxiety and also compromise your immune function. Cortisol shoots through the roof, impacting your physical wellbeing, but also your mental and emotional clarity. Self-soothing is your bff, along with self-care.

It’s also important to note: immune systems crash when stress is high because immune function is impaired. Which means in addition to feeling physical and emotional pain, your body might get sick as a response to a high stress environment. So be sure that you take the necessary steps to amplify your immunity — nourishing foods/immune boosters will help re-regulate the body as it's adjusting.

6. Your Timeline Is Yours. Comparing Doesn’t Help The Healing.

How long it takes for you to process your breakup will be unique to you and your early childhood excperiences, so there isn’t a one-size-fits-all model or timeline for your healing process. The right timeline is subjective to how long you need to feel safe, secure and re-aligned with yourself.

In the final section of this program we will be providing a 12 week program to follow. Given how unique each breakup is, use this as a guideline. Do not rush it. The minimum time to take with it is 12 weeks, but if you need 24, thats ok. And if you need even more time than that, that's ok as well. Just keep at it and see it through. Heartbreak doesn’t heal overnight. But if we work with it in the right way we can move through it powerfully and come out the other side more integrated, aligned and truly available for all that will come in the future.

7. Breathe And Stay With It.

Before we dive further take a second right now and breathe real deep. Yup, take a long, slow deep inhale. Let it out just as slowly. This will be your anchoring practice to help you move through, not only all your stages of grief, but through the integration methodology that resides in the remainder of this program.

Anytime you’re feeling overwhelmed or overcome with emotion, know it's ok, it's normal and in those moments all you need to do is breathe. The mind will want to run you in a million directions to avoid feeling, but we respect and honour our pain by staying with it. You are worthy of respect, and in this time of healing that respect is going to come through in how you treat yourself through this process.